me: i don’t want to have kids
every adult within 100 mile radius: nonseNSE!! you’ll end up having them in a few years!!! kids!!! mANY KIDS!! wonderful things you will love them! can”t not have kids?!!¿ chILDREN!
I didn’t want to have kids. Just saying ;)
valentines day is coming up soon so you better come clean about your love for me
dont all confess your love at once
I love my mum but sometimes she makes me facepalm and I have to wander off before I lose my temper.
We were watching a crime documentary and the person in question had so much in common with my ex that I thought out loud “It makes me wonder that (ex) hasn’t done anything worse in his life so far.”
And my mum said the same about her ex who cheated on her with a few other women. That makes him an asshole and it makes him incapable of empathy but no mum you cannot compare that to a violent alcoholic with a history of domestic violence, child abuse and sexual abuse. You just cannot. Stop that.
I can guarantee you aren’t a shitty person, unless you put on a very good act! And good to hear that it’s not all bad at least! I’ve been pretty much just getting through the days however I can. Normally by just doing anything to make my mind blank!
Aw well thank you :) I don’t think I’m acting! But what if I am and I don’t know? The questions D: And I can relate to that so you have my sympathy. It’s basically what I’ve been doing for the past few months but now cracks are starting to show because keeping your mind blank doesn’t work forever as you know. I hope things do improve for you soon :(
I know, it is ridiculous, that just seems to be the way it goes, it’s the nicest people that get ignored, and have to deal with the most shit. You just have to hang in there! Oh, and how was your day? ;)
I try and tell myself that but sometimes I wonder if deep down I’m a shitty person for some reason I haven’t realised and that people are just too polite to tell me what it is and why it makes me a drag to be around, if that makes sense. Self doubt is frequent at the moment. And actually thanks for asking. It made me laugh/nearly cry and was much needed :) My day has been interesting. Trying to fight depression while being enthusiastic about playing with a 1 year old is hard but we have to go shopping after she has her bottle at 3 so that’ll be easier because she just sits in the buggy watching the world and I can walk around in a blur doing something a little productive. How have you been feeling?
@thatpersonwhodoesnttalk said:Well, good to know the mental health assessment went well, pity about everything else. Seriously, the housing issues are just ridiculous, how can they even justify not giving you tenancy? And believe me, I know how you feel on the last part. x
I have no idea. That’s why we’re thinking about going down the legal route. Kicking someone out when they’ve lived there constantly is silly enough but a young single mother with mental health problems? I mean seriously -_- Not in a nasty way but it’s nice to know someone else knows how it feels. I just want cuddles and a “How was your day?” or something, you know? Seems ridiculous that that is asking too much.
Because why not?
1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?
3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?
5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
7. What exactly are you wearing right now?
8. How often do you listen to music?
9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2015?
11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?
12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?
13. What about ‘R’?
14. Can you drive a stick shift?
15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?
16. Are you going out of town soon?
17. When was the last time you cried?
18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?
19. If you could change your eye color, would you?
20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?
21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.
22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?
24. What are you sitting on right now?
25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?
26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
28. Do you get a lot of colds?
29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
30. Does anyone hate you?
31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?
32. Do you like watching scary movies?
33. Do you want your tongue pierced?
34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
35. Did you have a dream last night?
36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
40. Did you have a good day yesterday?
41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?
42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?
43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
44. What’s the best part about school?
45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?
47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
48. Were you single over the last summer?
49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?
51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
52. Are you nice to everyone?
53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?
56. Do you think you like someone?
57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?
58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?
60. Do you hate anyone?
61. How’s your heart?
62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
63. Have you ever cried over a guy?
64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
65. Are your toenails painted pink?
66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?
67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?
68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?
69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
70. How do you look right now?
71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
72. Can you commit to one person?
73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
74. Have you ever felt replaced?
75. Did you wake up cranky?
76. Are you a jealous person?
77. Are relationships ever worth it?
78. Anyone you’re giving up on?
79. Currently wanting to see anyone?
80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
81. Last person you cried in front of?
82. Is there someone you will never forget?
83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?
84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
85. Are you over your past?
86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?
87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?
92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?
93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?
94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?
95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?
96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?
97. Who do you have texts from?
98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?
101. Ever kissed under fireworks?
102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
It was pretty casual as usual. I’ve been involved with mental health teams for so long I’m pretty sure I could do my own assessment but it’s nice to at least have some people checking up on me, even if they’re technically strangers. We discussed all the issues I’ve got going on at the moment and have managed to find some sort of solution to all of them so that’s something I guess.
So obviously my mum is moving back to Germany soon. We thought I would just take over the tenancy on our housing association flat because I’ve been here since my mum moved in and have been paying towards bills and council tax or over a year now and we’re the first tenants since this place was built. The housing association seems to disagree though. They have no intention of putting me on the tenancy and have argued they have no duty of care towards me. Their letter mentioned that in some special circumstances they allow it and something about a court order so we’re going to look into that and see where I stand legally. Even if I get to stay here (with council tax benefit AND housing benefit) I’ll have even less money to spend than I already do which means literally no spending money for me ever and having to cancel Sky TV which means none of the TV River watches so yay.. Technically I should cancel the internet and phone line too but if I did that no one would ever get in touch with me so I’d basically be signing my own death certificate. And that’s if I get to stay here.
If I don’t then there’s two options: Private rent or declare homeless to the council.
Private rent is impossible. Literally. Within my price range they only have house shares and studio flats which don’t work when you have a baby. To get even a decent one bedroom (I’d be cool with sleeping in the living room on a sofa bed) we’re looking at £1200 a month just for rent. I get just over £600 with benefits at the moment and even with added housing benefit and council tax benefit (and that involves finding a landlord who will even accept housing benefit) I would barely make rent, let alone bills, food, clothes and paying for River’s playgroups. So I might as well forget about that idea.
Declaring homeless to the council means they’ll put you in a B&B the day you turn up there. The B&B doesn’t have to be in the borough. They’ll stick you wherever is free. One family a support worker of mine is working with got put in Reading. Another is stuck in Wembley. Living with strangers would freak me the hell out and being so far away from anything I know would probably cause a break down. On top of that, while you’re stuck in a B&B until they find you TEMPORARY accommodation you have to find somewhere to store all your belongings. I don’t have any friends or family with the room for all my stuff so I would have to rent a storage locker with comes to £700 just for six months and sometimes you’re stuck in a B&B for a year. Then when you get temporary accommodation you’re stuck in there for however long until they find you permanent accommodation. For some insight into that, my mum and I lived in temporary accommodation for 8 years before they finally relocated us here. So yeah.
I have no idea what I’m going to do once she moves. My friends know about the situation and no one ever mentions it or the fact I’ll probably have a breakdown and need to be hospitalised for a while or what’ll happen to River if that happens or well anything. I’ve become very easy to forget at this point.
I’ve been doing CBT since I was 16 and while it’s helped me deal with immediate problems and taught me good coping mechanisms it has pretty much run its course so I asked about being put on analysis therapy instead. It’s more in depth and focused on the past and I’ve asked for a female therapist so I can talk about my rape and bad relationships without feeling awkward. I was really excited about it but I had to force my mum to listen and I don’t think she even paid attention to what I said. Haven’t told anyone else, figured no one cares anyway.
On the 17th one of my support workers is going to come over, talk about what I want to do next after I’m done with my English GCSE and then help me get into whatever college offers that and crèche facilities. Probably the only thing I’m not feeling totally shit about.
And now my general mood..
Is just totally depressed. Stuck in a routine as usual because that’s what mums do. I go to playgroups and do the shopping and cook from scratch and hoover and tidy and play with River and do the washing because that’s what mums do. Sometimes two or three weeks go by without any of my friends contacting me. Sometimes I attempt to talk to them and it’s nice for that conversation but then they go right back to forgetting about me and I don’t hear anything until I try reaching out again and it’s getting to the point where I think people just stay in touch with me out of pity. If I never called again they wouldn’t question it. I’ve tried addressing the issue with people so many times before and they act like they get it but then they go right back to how it was before and I’m starting to wish people would just be honest about it so I can stop sitting around waiting for people to contact me. I’m losing motivation to plan days out because it’s always me asking to meet and me organising what to do. I know my schedule is shit because I can only do odd weekends when my mum feels like babysitting but would it kill people to ASK? Apparently so. I don’t know, it just annoys me so much because if I had a friend who was in my situation I’d be checking up on them all the time, random calls even if we can’t meet, nice days out taking care of them when we can. I probably expect too much from other people but I can’t help it. It would just be nice to have friends who are actually THERE regularly. Blah, at this point I’m probably just rambling. I feel like crying a lot of the time because of how shit everything is but since I broke up with my ex who made me cry all the time it’s like my brain won’t let me cry any more.
Just fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck. I would like to be cared about please and thank you.
@thatpersonwhodoesnttalk said:Hey, don’t worry about being a burden, it actually helps me out when I help people, makes me feel like I’m at least serving some purpose! ‘Sides, I hate not being able to do anything if people are having problems!
You’re about the same as me then haha In that case I may bend your ear from time to time! I’m probably more open and honest in my Tumblr posts than I am in real life anyway so sadly enough you probably have more insight into my life than people who know me in real life, despite us being relative strangers. God the world sucks -_-